00:00:46: My God.
00:00:53: The old cockahs in the stands are better than the young cockahs on the field.
00:01:04: He just missed someone in the crowd! - What crowd? We could all go home in one car.
00:01:09: Maybe he should lay down a bunt.
00:01:11: This guy couldn't lay down a carpet.
00:01:19: Now he's over swinging.
00:01:21: Don't complain. At least he's cooling off the place.
00:01:27: Strike!
00:01:32: I envy you covering the Yankees and the Mets.
00:01:35: I bet you miss New York.
00:01:37: What was I gonna do?
00:01:39: They sold the paper to an Australian.
00:01:41: Lucky it wasn't to the Japanese.
00:01:43: I couldn't read the batting averages.
00:01:47: Oscar! - Hiya, Peaches.
00:01:49: I'm having a dinner party Friday night. We're short one man.
00:01:53: How about Abe here? He's a short man.
00:01:57: You can run, Oscar, but you can't hide. See you.
00:02:01: That's such an original expression.
00:02:04: I hate women who talk like Muhammad Ali.
00:02:07: - Conchita! - Tough loss today?
00:02:11: I'm suicidal. If I call 911 tonight, any chance of mouth to mouth?
00:02:19: Yeah, beso loco.
00:02:22: Don't you look at a good ass anymore?
00:02:24: I'm not allowed to look at pastrami,
00:02:26: why should I look at an ass?
00:02:28: - Are you coming to the game tonight? - I'll be late.
00:02:31: I have to pay my respects.
00:02:33: A friend in my building died.
00:02:35: - What did he die of? - He got hit by lightning on a golf course.
00:02:40: He should have been using his woods.
00:02:44: Find out what his rent was. I'm always looking for cheaper.
00:02:47: See you at the game.
00:03:11: I used to make that shot.
00:03:13: My wife and I are fed up with this! I'm filing a complaint.
00:03:17: - Are you gonna clean this up? - Absolutely.
00:03:20: Whatever the cats don't finish I'll clean up later.
00:03:34: Where is Oscar?
00:03:35: Coming! I'm in!
00:03:38: Nobody bet. Hold the bets. I got a raise coming.
00:03:42: - How are we doing, girls? - Everybody's in except Esther.
00:03:46: - Esther, you didn't make your straight? - Who knows? I can't see the numbers.
00:03:50: Why can't we play with the big cards?
00:03:52: We tried that. Every time I shuffled Abe's toupee blew off.
00:03:57: Not any more. This is the ind you can swim in.
00:04:00: If you swim with that rug, they'll think you're building a dam.
00:04:06: Who gets the lemon loaf cake, no cholesterol, no fat, no taste?
00:04:12: - That's mine. - One chemical sponge cake for Millie.
00:04:16: - Thanks, darling. - You're welcome.
00:04:20: Wanda, you vixen, you know how that perfume drives me crazy!
00:04:27: You really like it?
00:04:29: - Yes, and I see I got you beat! - He always does that to me!
00:04:33: Don't worry. I lost so many brain cells today, I forgot what I just saw.
00:04:38: Just like my third husband, he should rest in peace.
00:04:41: How do you know he's dead? Maybe he's just bluffing.
00:04:45: Who wants nachos with cottage cheese chilli?
00:04:47: - That's mine. - One Jenny Craig Mexican style
00:04:52: type of casserole dinner for senorita Abromowitz.
00:04:57: And we have a cherry soda for Abe.
00:05:00: - Where's Abe? - Here.
00:05:03: Sit on a magazine. I can't see you.
00:05:06: This isn't cherry, it's lemon.
00:05:13: Now it's cherry.
00:05:15: - Whose bet is it? - Millie raised a quarter, so it's 33 cents.
00:05:20: You need nerves of steel for this game.
00:05:24: I'm in. Let me get that.
00:05:26: We never finish the game.
00:05:28: All right, I'm coming! Whoever it is, I'll pay on Thursday.
00:05:34: - You sound good, Pop. - Brucey! How are you?
00:05:40: Hold it down! It's my son from California.
00:05:43: My sister lost three pairs of dentures in the earthquakes.
00:05:49: - How did she eat? - She sent out.
00:05:51: - Are you still an actor? - Yeah.
00:05:55: - I got a call from CBS, I might get a pilot. - That's terrific!
00:05:59: - My kid may get a pilot. - He got his own plane?
00:06:03: A pilot is a television show that doesn't get on television.
00:06:07: That's not why I'm calling. I've got big news, I'm getting married this week.
00:06:12: - Married? Why? - Because I love her, that's why.
00:06:17: You didn't say it was a girl. If you're happy, I'm happy.
00:06:22: My kid is getting married.
00:06:25: There goes my Rachel's last chance.
00:06:28: It's this Sunday afternoon. Think you can come?
00:06:31: Wild racehorses couldn't keep me away. Where is it?
00:06:34: - At her mother's house in San Malina. - What was the name again?
00:06:38: San Malina. It's about two hours north of L.A. We'll send you the address.
00:06:42: If I'm not being too nosey, who the hell are you marrying?
00:06:49: She's an actress. She's beautiful. She's so talented and very smart.
00:06:53: - And she loves your son. - I love her already. So who is she?
00:07:01: - Hold on to your hat, Pop. - I need a hat to hold on to?
00:07:05: She's not one of those six foot ten basketball players, is she?
00:07:08: - As long as she's thin. - I can't hear you.
00:07:14: Whose daughter?
00:07:17: Whose?
00:07:18: Oh, my God!
00:07:36: I'm sorry.
00:07:37: Miss?
00:07:40: Excuse me, I wonder if I might change my seat into the non-smoking section?
00:07:46: The entire plane is non-smoking. There's no one smoking on this aircraft.
00:07:50: Possibly the attendants who clean the planes at the airport
00:07:54: were smoking in here. I'm very sensitive to that.
00:07:57: I'm sorry, but the entire plane is full.
00:08:05: It's not just the smoke.
00:08:08: The woman next to me is wearing a perfume that I have an allergy to.
00:08:12: - I've already moved you once. - That was because of hair spray.
00:08:16: I know that I sound crazy,
00:08:19: but I just happen to be one of those hyper-allergenic cases. Can't you try?
00:08:24: You mean sniff every woman until you find a perfume you're not allergic to?
00:08:29: I didn't complain about the food. I didn't eat it, but I didn't complain.
00:08:33: You asked for the Hawaiian mahi mahi
00:08:35: and I told you that we only serve it on the west to east flights.
00:08:39: I thought there might be one piece of mahi mahi making the return trip.
00:08:45: Forget it, I'll manage.
00:08:54: - I have some cough lozenges, if you like. - Thank you, no.
00:08:59: I have an unusually small windpipe.
00:09:01: If it got stuck, I could be dead in two minutes.
00:09:16: Are you having trouble breathing?
00:09:19: I'm nervous because my daughter is getting married on Sunday in California.
00:09:23: In San...
00:09:27: - Well, I've got a friend picking me up. - How nice.
00:09:38: Are you all right? Your face is turning blue. Do you need oxygen?
00:09:43: Yeah, but you never know who's been using that before.
00:09:52: Stewardess!
00:10:03: Excuse me.
00:10:06: I see my bag. Excuse me.
00:10:10: What happened here?
00:10:14: What do you call this? This is mishandling of luggage!
00:10:17: It's a federal misdemeanour. Did you see this?
00:10:46: Oscar?
00:10:51: Felix?
00:10:53: Oscar!
00:10:56: Felix!
00:11:13: Look out!
00:11:24: We haven't even said hello and I've got a broken leg.
00:11:27: It's just a sprain. Hello, Felix.
00:11:30: - Let me know when you gonna hit a bump. - OK, that was a bump.
00:11:43: Here we go, we're all set.
00:11:46: Maybe we could stop and get a pair of crutches some place.
00:11:53: I'll keep my eye open for a crutch store.
00:11:55: I'm sure there's a lot of them on the freeway.
00:11:59: Hold on to me and let's hop over to the car.
00:12:04: That's it. Now you've got it.
00:12:10: Bend down and slide into the seat. You know what I mean?
00:12:15: - Tell me when it hurts. - That hurts.
00:12:18: I've got a good idea.
00:12:21: Don't tell me when it hurts, it's gonna hurt anyway.
00:12:26: When I count to three, we'll do it all in one big move. One, two, three!
00:12:31: - Oh, God! - I like '"it hurts'" better.
00:12:40: Got you some ice from the machine. It'll keep the swelling down.
00:12:44: I need something to put the ice in.
00:12:46: Put it in your sock! What am I, an orthopaedic?
00:12:59: - Foot feeling any better? - It's a piece of frozen meat.
00:13:04: Hang it out the window, it's warm out.
00:13:08: I'm starving. I haven't eaten since last night.
00:13:11: - Didn't they serve on the plane? - No, my fish was flying east.
00:13:18: Here's my complimentary nuts. Go ahead.
00:13:21: If your teeth keep chattering, you'll have peanut butter in three minutes.
00:13:25: Do you know what the fat content of nuts is?
00:13:28: Not to mention the salt content.
00:13:31: I could have a heart attack at the wedding.
00:13:34: - I haven't seen you in eight, nine years.- 17 years.
00:13:39: You couldn't even remember that we haven't seen each other for 17 years?
00:13:43: I didn't dwell on it.
00:13:46: So your hair got whiter, your ears got bigger, your nose got longer...
00:13:51: but you still retain that unique, elusive, pain in the ass quality
00:13:57: that drives me berserk.
00:14:00: Well you have changed. When I saw you at the airport,
00:14:04: I thought you'd died and your mother came to tell me.
00:14:07: - I heard that line on the Seinfeld show. - It's how fast I thought of it that counts.
00:14:15: Open the window. I want to throw the water out.
00:14:17: It is open.
00:14:27: Sorry, they must have just cleaned it.
00:14:38: Feeling better now? What's the matter? Did you sprain your tongue too?
00:14:43: I'm angry at myself. I shouldn't have yelled at you.
00:14:47: We've always had bad chemistry. We mix like oil and frozen yoghurt.
00:14:53: - But I'm glad to see you anyway. - Me too, Oz.
00:15:00: - I was some kind of nut in those days. - From pecan to pistachio.
00:15:07: I guess I still am. I hate mess and I hate disorder.
00:15:11: I went to a hypnotist to try to cure me.
00:15:15: - It didn't work, right? - No.
00:15:17: He was late. I straightened up his office and left.
00:15:24: You better pull off the freeway. I got to pee.
00:15:43: How are you doing, kid?
00:15:46: Are you the waiter? What do you want?
00:15:49: - $5. - Why should I give you $5?
00:15:53: Your friend said you would for telling you he's locked in the bathroom.
00:16:02: Why did you tell him five bucks? He would have done it for a quarter.
00:16:07: What freeway are we supposed to be on?
00:16:09: - The 405. - I think that sign back there said 101.
00:16:13: If you didn't have the brains to pee back at the airport,
00:16:16: how do you know what the sign said?
00:16:18: Reading and peeing are two different things.
00:16:21: At your age you're lucky you can do either one.
00:16:32: Is your daughter like you? She's not going to clean up after the reception, is she?
00:16:37: My daughter is wonderful, and your son is damn lucky to get her.
00:16:43: - Let me tell you something else. - Don't. That's why I moved to Florida.
00:16:47: We keep this up, I'll be living in Guatemala.
00:16:50: That's fine by me.
00:16:56: Are you retired now?
00:16:59: Me? Never! I'm doing part-time charity work at the hospital.
00:17:05: - You mean bed pans and stuff like that? - No.
00:17:08: I read to them. I read them stories, write letters for them, tell them jokes.
00:17:13: It's good for me too, you know. After my last wife...
00:17:17: You've probably heard about that.
00:17:19: Sorry to hear that. I heard she went quickly.
00:17:22: Moved out while I was asleep. Never even left a note.
00:17:26: Is that three divorces now?
00:17:28: Three divorces, two broken engagements,
00:17:30: and five women who disappeared on the first date.
00:17:33: Went to the ladies' room, never came back.
00:17:35: You just had some bad luck with your personality.
00:17:38: I haven't given up.
00:17:42: Somewhere out there, I know there is a right woman for me.
00:17:46: - Should I stop the car and look? - No, but pull over, I got to eat.
00:17:51: I have this low sugar condition, I have to eat every four hours.
00:17:55: Why didn't you eat when we stopped at El Pollo Loco?
00:17:59: Because it wasn't time to eat, it was time to pee.
00:18:21: Make out a timetable, when you're going to eat, pee,
00:18:25: fart, cry and sleep. That's the last time I pull off the freeway.
00:18:31: I suppose you never have to pee?
00:18:35: I do it for half hour in the morning and then I'm through for the day.
00:18:45: What have you got there? What are you doing?
00:18:48: How do you know which ones to take?
00:18:51: Doesn't make any difference. Whatever they fix, I've got.
00:19:00: - Don't you take them with water? - With the local water?
00:19:04: Water from around here?
00:19:06: Don't you know how many pesticides they have in the local water?
00:19:09: Lower your voice, people in here don't know they'll be dead in a week.
00:19:32: Didn't you fix that yet?
00:19:36: Almost. Just one...
00:20:00: What the hell...? Open a window.
00:20:10: - How long was I asleep? - I didn't know you wanted me to time it.
00:20:15: We're off the freeway. Are we almost there?
00:20:20: - I don't think so. - What do the directions say?
00:20:24: They are gone. I threw them out of the window.
00:20:28: What the hell made you do a stupid thing like that?
00:20:33: Well, I had them on my lap so I could read them.
00:20:37: I lit my cigar, the hot ashes fell on my crotch, the map caught fire.
00:20:42: I had the choice of finding the house
00:20:44: or burning one of most important parts of my body.
00:20:47: - Guess which I picked? - So you just picked any exit and got off?
00:20:51: - I had to get off some place. - This isn't some place, this is no place.
00:20:56: Pull over, I'll get the directions out of my suitcase.
00:21:25: - Where is my suitcase? - In the trunk.
00:21:28: - No. - Did you look good?
00:21:32: The trunk is this big. It takes a second and a half to look in there.
00:21:36: Your 1927 piece of cardboard is there, but my suitcase isn't.
00:21:43: What are you talking about? It's got to be there. Let me look.
00:21:55: I'm going to try to stay calm while I say the next sentence.
00:22:00: If it isn't in there, where in the hell is my goddamn suitcase?
00:22:05: This is a wild guess.
00:22:08: I'd say it's in front of the Budget Rent A Car office.
00:22:11: - In Los Angeles? - That's a good guess, too.
00:22:15: God Almighty. We're going to go back and get it!
00:22:18: It took us two hours to get here.
00:22:22: It'll take five hours to go back, cos I don't know how we got here.
00:22:26: Then we'd have to make three stops. One for you to pee, get locked in the john,
00:22:32: pay a kid $5 to get out, and then we'd have to stop for you to eat!
00:22:37: Do you understand what I'm talking about?
00:22:54: What did you have in there?
00:22:57: An ironing board, some spot remover? I'll pay you.
00:23:00: In that suitcase was my black formal afternoon suit
00:23:04: that I bought to wear to give my daughter away in marriage.
00:23:08: And a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray, which I bought as a wedding present.
00:23:14: And in that suitcase was $10,000 in cash,
00:23:18: which I intended to give to my son-in-law on his wedding day.
00:23:24: In your suitcase, the police will find
00:23:27: your broken, smashed, mutilated and dissected body
00:23:32: in the event that you don't go back and find my fucking suitcase!
00:23:36: Why don't we ask Budget to deliver it?
00:23:38: Deliver where? You've crisscrossed California
00:23:41: more than the covered wagons did 100 years ago!
00:23:45: And tell them to follow the burnt pieces of directions on the freeway?
00:23:50: We drive to the first town we see and then we'll call Budget.
00:23:55: That was my best leather suitcase.
00:23:58: How long is it gonna stand on the sidewalk unclaimed?
00:24:01: Somebody will be eating pizza tonight on my daughter's silver Tiffany tray.
00:24:06: Come on back in the car. If it's still there, they will get it to you fast.
00:24:12: Federal Express, UPS, fax...
00:24:16: You're gonna fax my suitcase to me? I can wear a picture of my wedding suit.
00:24:22: - Take it easy... - And paper copies of $10,000!
00:24:26: Don't get physical with me!
00:24:28: I'm too old to hit, but I could spit you to death! Get in the car.
00:24:33: I want to know one thing, why, when you get around me
00:24:38: you behave like a goddamn imbecilic, idiotic, moronic shithead?
00:24:50: Wait!
00:25:16: Didn't you put the breaks on?
00:25:19: Why? I didn't know you were gonna punch it.
00:25:28: We better call Budget and have them fax us another car.
00:25:49: - I think I know where we are. - Where?
00:25:52: - In a Clint Eastwood movie. - '"The Good, the Bad and the Stupid'"?
00:25:57: You're not the only one who lost everything in his suitcase.
00:26:01: What did you lose, an old Mets T-shirt and a corned beef sandwich?
00:26:06: I lost the most important thing in my life. My return ticket to Sarasota.
00:26:13: Instead of complaining, why don't you look for a telephone?
00:26:16: What makes you think there is a telephone out here?
00:26:20: This is probably where they test those nuclear bombs.
00:26:24: They would have to call somebody to find out if they went off.
00:26:29: I thought that was a snake.
00:26:32: They probably got poisonous spiders here, too.
00:26:35: What will they live on?
00:26:37: You think they're waiting for two schmucks like us?
00:26:40: I got to sit down. Let's rest.
00:26:54: - We need to have a plan. Agreed? - Agreed.
00:26:59: - What should the plan be? - I don't care, I agreed. I did my part.
00:27:05: We got to find a telephone and call Hannah's mother.
00:27:08: Get her to send a car to pick us up.
00:27:11: - You know the number? - No, it was in my suitcase.
00:27:14: - We could call the information. - In what town?
00:27:18: San... My daughter said San... Don't you remember?
00:27:25: No, I was playing poker. I couldn't hear anything.
00:27:28: - San Marino? - No, San Cantino?
00:27:31: Not San Cantino.
00:27:34: - San Sereno? - No.
00:27:37: - San Bandino. - San Patino.
00:27:40: San Farina. Where are you going, for crying out loud?
00:27:45: We need a phone book. How many towns can sound like that?
00:27:51: In California, all of them. San Diego, San Jos, San Quentin...
00:27:55: - San Mateo. - San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.
00:28:00: Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzalez.
00:28:02: - San Jemima. - San Jemima?
00:28:05: What do I know? Fernando Lamas. Ricardo Montalban.
00:28:09: - Ricky Ricardo. - San Pagaue.
00:28:13: - Where is that? - Near San Piranho.
00:28:18: Los Pintos, Las Brisas, Los Pecos. Sound familiar?
00:28:23: Yeah, they are hotels in Acapulco.
00:28:27: A car has to come from some direction.
00:28:30: You stand here, I'm going to stand on the other side.
00:28:33: So we can catch all the heavy traffic at five o'clock at Los Pecos.
00:28:40: You got a better idea, Los Idiot?
00:28:57: See anything yet?
00:29:00: For a minute I thought I saw Omar Sharif on a camel.
00:29:20: Come back!
00:29:24: What was it? It just went by!
00:29:53: I hear something. Do you hear it?
00:29:56: With our luck it's the killer bees from Brazil.
00:30:17: What the hell was that?
00:30:20: They purposely did it. They hate New Yorkers.
00:30:24: Who's gonna pick us up now?
00:30:27: We look like a couple of Pillsbury Doughboys.
00:30:31: Let's get out of the sun before we start to rise.
00:31:04: What's so funny?
00:31:06: If we ever get there, we can be the two figures on the wedding cake.
00:31:12: Hilarious.
00:31:17: Stop!
00:31:20: Hey amigos, where are you going?
00:31:22: - San Redondo. - Where?
00:31:26: San Tamale. San Taco Bell. We'll go any place.
00:31:30: - Well, hop in. - Thank you very much.
00:31:38: - What are you doing out here with no car? - It's a long story.
00:31:42: We're going to a wedding. My daughter and his son.
00:31:47: - Then you must be good friends. - The best.
00:31:54: We need to find a telephone. Can you do that for us?
00:31:56: No problem. Gas station two miles from here. I'll take you there.
00:32:02: - Gracias. We'll be glad to pay you for it. - You are compadres, poor like me.
00:32:09: This is my wedding gift for your children.
00:32:12: A wedding gift for our children. It's more than I'm gonna give them.
00:32:33: - I hope nothing is wrong. - I'd hate to break our lucky streak.
00:32:39: Bad news. My cousin say mi mam, very sick.
00:32:44: I have to go to her very pronto. It's back where we come from.
00:32:49: I go with them. They drive very fast. You take my truck to gas station.
00:32:54: Leave it there. Rico, that's my name. They know me there.
00:32:57: - Are you sure? We'll be very careful. - I know, I trust you.
00:33:03: If you get hungry, eat peaches.
00:33:08: I did pretty good, comprende? And this time, I'm gonna drive, amigo.
00:33:12: Which is what I should have done in the first place, muchacho.
00:33:35: Why don't you use a handkerchief so you don't get peach juice all over me?
00:33:40: You think we're pulling in to the Pebble Beach Country Club?
00:34:01: Don't give up. We're almost home.
00:34:03: It's not gonna make it. It's not in the cards.
00:34:06: We're riding a dead horse, we're coming in for the funeral.
00:34:09: Stop being such a pessimist.
00:34:11: - I bet you we make this hill. - How much?
00:34:17: Come on... Almost... Yes! I knew it!
00:34:22: Never count me out till the fat lady divorces me.
00:34:26: - What is that? - Maybe they want some free peaches.
00:34:32: Stop the truck!
00:34:40: - Are they talking to us? - That's a lot of cops to give one ticket.
00:34:46: Step out of the vehicle! Now!
00:34:52: Put your hands where we can see them.
00:34:55: I think there is some kind of mistake here.
00:34:57: We didn't steal the truck and we didn't pick any peaches.
00:35:02: - On the ground, now! - Cuff them.
00:35:10: Do you think this is about offering that kid money in the bathroom?
00:35:15: You're under arrest for violation of California lmmigration law 1407.
00:35:18: Transportation of illegal aliens. You have the right to remain silent.
00:35:22: You two jokers, step forward.
00:35:30: What's so amusing now?
00:35:32: How are we going to tell Hannah and Brucey
00:35:36: why we are 40 years late for their wedding?
00:35:39: Stop worrying, we'll get out of this.
00:35:42: Not without a lawyer we won't. Have you got a lawyer?
00:35:45: Yeah, in Florida. He's 92.
00:35:48: It takes him six hours to walk to the telephone. The case will be over.
00:35:53: We'll just tell them the truth.
00:35:57: There's our guy!
00:36:01: How is your dying mama, compadre?
00:36:05: - Mucho better, gracias. - I'll send her a crate of peaches.
00:36:08: - Are you going to tell them the truth? - I told them the truth.
00:36:12: I said you picked me up, gave me a ride
00:36:15: then I saw my friends, they took me home and that's the truth, no?
00:36:21: He's got a better story then ours. I think we're in trouble.
00:36:25: - Oscar Madison. Felix Ungar. - Yeah, here we are.
00:36:29: - Let's go. - I told you, didn't I?
00:36:32: If we go down, you go down with us!
00:36:35: Are you Dirty Harry? You watch too much television.
00:36:39: Tell me one more time how the rented car caught fire and exploded.
00:36:46: He called me a shithead and punched the car.
00:36:50: - It went rolling down the hill. - Why did you punch the car?
00:36:53: Because the shithead threw the directions out the window
00:36:56: and left my suitcase at the Rent A Car agency.
00:36:59: Why did you throw away the directions?
00:37:01: They caught fire from my cigar ashes and were burning on my crotch!
00:37:07: First time he's hot down there for years.
00:37:10: I just wanted to remind you of how it felt.
00:37:12: OK, boys. Calm down.
00:37:15: You two don't get along too well, do you?
00:37:18: There was a period of 17 years that was wonderful.
00:37:23: Then we saw each other again.
00:37:25: - Who is getting married? - My daughter and his son.
00:37:42: We all agree that if you two can't find your way
00:37:46: to your own children's wedding, there isn't a chance in hell
00:37:49: you could smuggle 20 illegal aliens across the border.
00:37:52: Besides we just got a confession from the truck driver.
00:37:57: - You are free to go. - We appreciate it, officer.
00:38:02: Wait a minute. There's a matter of false arrest here.
00:38:05: I happen to have one of the finest legal minds for an attorney in Florida.
00:38:10: - Let's go! - You may hear from him.
00:38:15: We still don't know how to get to the wedding.
00:38:19: There's a girl outside at the computer.
00:38:21: Give her the family's name. She'll run it down.
00:38:30: Hello, Felix? We've been worried.
00:38:35: Unfortunately, we took a wrong turn.
00:38:38: Everywhere.
00:38:40: - What was the name of the town? - San Malina.
00:38:45: San Malina. That's right. That's what I kept saying to Oscar.
00:38:49: - Where are you? - In a little town called...
00:38:54: Santa Menendez. I don't know how far it is from where you are.
00:38:58: - About five hours. - Five hours?
00:39:02: If you know the way.
00:39:04: - Is there a hotel here? - Down the street.
00:39:10: Felix! Our new underwear has arrived. Catch!
00:39:17: Caught that like a major leaguer.
00:39:20: Look at these shorts. I could be a waitress at a crap game.
00:39:25: If you wiggle your fanny right, you can make double sixes.
00:39:32: Let's get a drink.
00:39:51: This doesn't look like our kind of crowd.
00:39:55: If anyone gets tough, just show him your underwear.
00:39:59: - What will it be? - A dry Martini on the rocks, please.
00:40:03: Martini?
00:40:07: - How about you? - A double scotch for me, please.
00:40:15: Evening.
00:40:17: Hi.
00:40:19: Beautiful weather, isn't it?
00:40:23: Just terrific, honey.
00:40:30: If you are thinking what I think you're thinking, forget it!
00:40:34: - I'm not thinking, I'm talking. - Don't.
00:40:37: This is my friend, Felix. They call me Oscar.
00:40:41: Hi, Felix. Hi, Oscar. I'm Thelma.
00:40:46: Thelma? You're not Louise, are you?
00:40:49: Like I haven't been asked that about a million times. I'm Holly.
00:40:55: That's a very nice name, especially around Christmas.
00:41:00: - He's cute. - Are you staying here at the hotel?
00:41:04: - We're just passing through. - So are we. Where are you headed?
00:41:10: - Maybe Lake Tahoe, maybe Vegas. - Just lovers of the open road, eh?
00:41:16: We're saving our money. We've got a van out back.
00:41:20: That couldn't be very comfortable to sleep in, could it?
00:41:24: Oscar, If I didn't know better,
00:41:27: I'd say a nice old grandfather like you was trying to hit on a couple of ladies.
00:41:33: I'm not as old as I look.
00:41:36: I had this plastic surgery done recently.
00:41:38: The quack doctor botched it up.
00:41:42: - Your friend doesn't say much. - He's the doctor.
00:41:50: - Are you OK, doc? - I put your mouth in the wrong place.
00:41:59: He's still upset because they took his licence away.
00:42:04: We're closing the kitchen in half an hour if you still want dinner.
00:42:09: Excuse me, we haven't eaten all day.
00:42:11: Where are your manners, Felix?
00:42:14: Perhaps the ladies would like to join us before they retire to their van?
00:42:18: Yeah, sure. OK.
00:42:21: We'll meet you at the table. After we've freshened up.
00:42:27: Are you crazy? Two middle-aged bikers.
00:42:30:7 They're tougher than the guys in the jail.
00:42:33: And have you thought what we could get?
00:42:35: "Lucky" is the only word that comes to mind.
00:42:39: I'm not gonna let you do this.
00:42:41: I know it's not gonna happen. They wouldn't even come up to our room.
00:42:46: And it would take two years for you and me to climb into their van.
00:42:50: And the last thing I want them to see is our underwear.
00:42:54: What are you doing this for?
00:42:56: To be wanted. To get close to it happening one more time.
00:43:01: The wick is almost out.
00:43:04: All I want is for the candle to glow rather than curse the darkness.
00:43:09: It's not going out. Not yours, not mine.
00:43:14: I still have hope that somewhere, we'll find the right lamplighter.
00:43:20: We just used so many metaphors,
00:43:23: I forgot what the hell we were talking about.
00:43:25: - Good evening. - Good evening, sir.
00:43:28: - Are you gentlemen here for the seminar? - What seminar?
00:43:33: '"Life - Does It really Have To End? '" Dr John Boxer. I'm 84 myself.
00:43:39: Dr Boxer sees no reason why I shouldn't be around to celebrate the year 2020.
00:43:44: Maybe longer. The seminar ends tomorrow.
00:43:47: But I have to get back to San Malina for my daughter's sixty-third birthday.
00:43:53: That's where we're going.
00:43:55: - Fancy that! You need a lift? - They tell us it's a five hour drive.
00:44:01: Come with me. You'll be there in less than two hours.
00:44:04: We leave at 6:00 am, on the dot.
00:44:07: - 6:00 am? - That sounds great to me.
00:44:09: That's a little early for me.
00:44:11: You'll never live a long life sleeping late.
00:44:14: I may have some business tonight with friends from Lake Tahoe.
00:44:20: These creeps closed the bar already. But don't worry, I stay open all night.
00:44:30: I like a quiet man. Talking always slows things up.
00:44:36: Perhaps I was wrong.
00:44:40: 6:00 am would be rather early for men like you.
00:44:44: - Good night. - Bye.
00:44:48: You go to Tahoe! I'm going with him.
00:44:53: What are two wide awake girls going to do with one hunky, funny guy?
00:44:57: Why don't we all write a suggestion on a piece of paper?
00:45:04: I wish your cute boy scout friend would come back. I'm just itching to dance.
00:45:10: I'll go get him. Don't scratch yet.
00:45:12: I'll see you at six o'clock in the morning. Thanks again.
00:45:17: I'm coming with you, I promise. Do me one favour, come inside and dance for me.
00:45:21: - Why would I want to dance for you? - Cos I'm hunky, the other one is itchy.
00:45:27: Come in and dance and you can call the shots the rest of the way.
00:45:46: You're a very smooth dancer. What's your secret?
00:45:50: Leather soles.
00:45:54: Got anything closer? I went to high school with a boy like you.
00:46:00: Who was he, the principle?
00:46:03: - What are you, divorced or single? - Something like that.
00:46:12: You have very strong hands. You work out?
00:46:16: No, but my door at home gets stuck a lot.
00:46:21: - Having fun? - Yes. But I think I'm stuck to your Velcro.
00:46:49: Someone wants to know if there's a Thelma and Holly here.
00:46:53: - What does he sound like? - Drunk and real mad.
00:46:56: - Got to go. - Now? We just met.
00:46:59: I know, but we'll always have Santa Menendez.
00:47:03: You've never met me, you never saw me, you never danced with me.
00:47:11: Are you satisfied?
00:47:14: Satisfying is not how I would describe it.
00:47:23: Remember what we agreed on. I call the shots now, right?
00:47:28: - Ready for lights out? - Yeah, ready.
00:47:39: Oscar!
00:47:42: Where are we?
00:47:45: - Where are we? We're in a hotel. - I know, but where is the hotel?
00:47:50: In California, in one of them Santa-places.
00:47:54: I woke up and was lost. I got scared.
00:47:58: Do you ever wake up and get scared?
00:48:01: Yeah, when I wake up and I see you staring at me.
00:48:06: I'm glad you're here. I don't mind being alone but not in strange places.
00:48:13: - I guess it's a part of getting old. - You want to know how to not feel old?
00:48:17: Hang around with people who are older than you.
00:48:22: - Thanks, Oz. - You're welcome.
00:48:25: Get some sleep, will you? Everything is gonna be all right.
00:48:39: How about this!
00:48:42: How about that!
00:48:44: Probably gets two blocks to the gallon.
00:48:49: Glad to see you both could make it. Climb in, boys.
00:48:54: Thank you very much. You certainly are prompt.
00:48:58: There are only four of these left in the country and I own them all.
00:49:02: - You're a collector? - No, the other three are for parts.
00:49:05: Hang on to your hats, boys.
00:49:27: Is this as fast as it goes?
00:49:30: It takes a few minutes to warm up and then we ride like the wind.
00:50:32: It's been a half hour and the wind is going faster than us.
00:50:36: Actually, we're doing 85 right now.
00:50:39: No, that's your clock, sir. It says 8:25.
00:50:43: Don't mind that clock, it always breaks down.
00:50:47: No offence, but do you really think we can make San Malina in two hours?
00:50:54: - Who said that? - You did last night.
00:50:57: I think you misunderstood me.
00:51:00: What I meant was I can make this five hour trip seem like two hours.
00:51:04: Take in the scenery, relax, enjoy being alive and well.
00:51:09: Doing that, I made it back once in an hour and 20 minutes.
00:51:20: Excuse me, the scent of the trees and flowers always intoxicate me.
00:51:24: If you're intoxicated, I'd be glad to be the designated driver.
00:51:28: No, I'm fine.
00:51:41: - Why are we stopping here? - Are you all right?
00:51:48: I think he's asleep!
00:51:51: When was he awake? Move him aside, I'll drive.
00:51:55: What are you waiting for?
00:51:58: He'll wake up and the snails will start passing us.
00:52:02: - He won't wake up. He's dead. - How can you tell?
00:52:06: No heartbeat and no pulse means dead. I've seen that in the hospital.
00:52:10: All you did was read books and tell jokes!
00:52:13: What do you want me to do, an autopsy? The man is dead!
00:52:18: At least he went quickly.
00:52:20: You call 12 miles an hour quickly?
00:52:24: Oh, my God. Pull his head back in before a bird sits on it.
00:52:34: I knew it! I strained my neck. It always happens.
00:52:39: Always? You mean whenever you try to pull a dead body back in?
00:52:42: Get out and push his head back in, I can't move.
00:53:00: This guy is starting to decompose already!
00:53:03: His hairpiece blew off. Go get it.
00:53:05: Why? He's dead. Who does he got to look good for?
00:53:08: Out of respect! Maybe his family never knew. Just go get it!
00:53:16: Keep an eye on him.
00:53:25: It's not a hair piece any more, it's a nest!
00:53:29: Shoo him away!
00:53:32: Shoo! Shoo!
00:53:54: - Where did he go? - He's on my lap.
00:53:58: On your lap?
00:54:01: That's not a good position. It looks like...
00:54:06: I know what it looks like. Help me pull him up.
00:54:09: Easy...
00:54:12: What was that?
00:54:14: It sounded like a gunshot. Maybe it's hunting season.
00:54:18: What animals would they have around here?
00:54:20: I don't know.
00:54:26: Can you believe this! Get that!
00:54:30: In the last three minutes I've walked more than we've driven today.
00:54:41: - Are you crazy? - I didn't do it, he did!
00:54:44: Check his pulse again!
00:54:49: - You take it. - I don't want it. Put it on his head.
00:54:54: What are you doing?
00:54:56: I got to get his name and address so I can tell his relatives.
00:55:03: This should be interesting.
00:55:07: You can't stop in the middle of the road. Pull the vehicle over.
00:55:10: Then we'd have to move the driver and as you can see, he's...
00:55:14: - Is he sick? - No.
00:55:18: Is he drunk?
00:55:21: No, try dead.
00:55:28: - How did this happen? - We don't know.
00:55:31: - We think God came down and took him. - Step out of the vehicle.
00:55:39: So the man is dead and you have his wallet...
00:55:44: ...riding in an antique car worth over $150,000.
00:55:48: How do you think this looks?
00:55:50: To you it looks terrible, to my mother, she wouldn't be that upset.
00:55:54: We didn't kill him or rob him!
00:55:57: You believed us before, why don't you believe us now?
00:56:00: I didn't expect you to keep bouncing back here like a beach ball!
00:56:07: - And why did you take his toupee? - A truck whizzed by and blew it off!
00:56:13: I tried to get it back. A bird sat on it.
00:56:17: I shooed him and he flew away with the hairpiece.
00:56:20: - You shot him? You had a gun? - No, I shooed him!
00:56:27: Then a hunter shot him and the bird fell down on the car.
00:56:32: The hairpiece fell on the wind shield.
00:56:36: I hope there is not going to be a trial. I'd hate to repeat that story in court.
00:56:48: The examination reveals he died of natural causes
00:56:52: and his daughter informed us that he called last night
00:56:57: and said he was giving a lift to two young men he met at the hotel.
00:57:04: Once again you're out of here. But if I see you back here under arrest,
00:57:08: I will charge you with disturbing the law!
00:57:11: - You mean disturbing the peace. - No, it's only the law you're disturbing.
00:57:16: There is a bus that leaves in 20 minutes. They make a quick stop in San Malina.
00:57:21: Be on it, get off it and stay out of my face.
00:57:54: I'm going to say something that's going to surprise you.
00:58:00: Why do you have to introduce everything you say?
00:58:03: It's either, '"Let me tell you something'",
00:58:07: or '"You may not like this, but I'll say it anyway.'"
00:58:10: Just say it. Then I can get back to my racing form
00:58:14: and you can start thinking of the next thing you're going to say.
00:58:17: - What is it? - I actually had a good time on this trip.
00:58:21: - You did? - Yes.
00:58:23: - As much as World War II? - I mean it.
00:58:26: Sure, it was dirty, scary, ugly and expensive.
00:58:31: But I've met a lot of people I never would have met before.
00:58:35: I had an adventure.
00:58:37: There's more to life than a job, dinner alone and a TV show.
00:58:42: I feel younger now than I have in years.
00:58:45: Why didn't you say this last night, when we could have used it?
00:59:07: - Oscar! - Felix!
00:59:11: Thelma? It's nice to see you girls again.
00:59:17: - What happened to your van? - We dumped it, we were being chased.
00:59:22: - By the police? - Worse, our husbands.
00:59:25: - Your husbands? - We just walked.
00:59:27: - You never said you were married. - We took half our money and hit the road.
00:59:33: Won't these guys be sore when they catch up to you?
00:59:37: Fit to kill!
00:59:38: Especially since they found out we were with two men last night.
00:59:43: - You were? - They mean us, schmuck.
00:59:59: Open up!
01:00:00: Damn! They tracked our perfume.
01:00:04: Stay put and there'll be no trouble.
01:00:06: Sit tight, people.
01:00:10: Oscar? I really have to pee.
01:00:16: The fun is over. Time to come home.
01:00:20: That shack with whisky bottles and bacon strips on the floor?
01:00:25: Remember, we don't know them, we've never even seen them.
01:00:34: - What did you say? - I honestly can't remember.
01:00:43: That's them, isn't it? The bartender at the hotel described them.
01:00:46: Couple of Martini drinkers.
01:00:50: Come on, honey. We don't want to disturb the nice people on this bus.
01:00:54: - That's OK. - I wasn't talking to you, Martini.
01:00:59: Come on. I've got some cold beer waiting for you in the car.
01:01:06: Let's go. You don't want to miss the party.
01:01:09: We have to go to a wedding...
01:01:13: ...of our... But thank you all the same.
01:01:18: You just don't get it, do you. You are the party.
01:01:38: We just had an innocent drink and innocent couple of dances.
01:01:43: - It was all very innocent. - Get off the innocent thing.
01:01:48: Why would these beautiful girls want to run off
01:01:51: with a couple of old geezers like us?
01:01:53: When the goose wants it, the geese come running.
01:01:57: We're geezers, not geese.
01:02:01: Where do you want to stop?
01:02:04: Over this hill is a stretch of woods. That will do fine.
01:02:07: Do fine for what?
01:02:11: Cook us up a couple of fine geezers.
01:02:15: That's funny! I'm sorry, but that just struck me as funny.
01:02:21: Damn it to hell!
01:02:25: Don't worry. I know them personally.
01:02:39: Don't you even want to talk about it?
01:02:44: No.
01:02:47: Ever?
01:02:50: What's the point? No matter what I say you two still end up in here.
01:02:54: Would it be possible to find out the results of the second race at Santa Anita?
01:03:01: - I got a trifecta going. - A what?
01:03:05: When you pick the three winning horses in the exact order of finish.
01:03:08: We have a wedding that we cannot get to
01:03:11: and all he's got in his mind is a trifecta.
01:03:14: - I'll tell you who won. - You know?
01:03:18: I won. You are my trifecta.
01:03:23: The same two men have been arrested three times for three different crimes
01:03:27: and all three times by my men!
01:03:30: You know what the odds are of that happening at any police station?
01:03:34: Roughly 12 million to one.
01:03:38: And what would it be if it happened in a small sheriff's office
01:03:42: in a little town called Santa Menendez, California?
01:03:47: It would be in the trillions. No bookie would handle it.
01:03:51: Of all the differences that we have had,
01:03:54: of all the fights, of all those petty arguments...
01:03:57: We can continue talking. He's gonna be on this for half an hour.
01:04:01: Of all the times I've wanted to choke you throat, this is the worst!
01:04:06: If you say '"trifecta'" one more time, I'm going to choke you until you are dead!
01:04:13: Then that man can arrest me one more time for one more crime,
01:04:18: one more time in his office and he's gonna have a '"fourfecta'"!
01:04:22: So you shut the fuck up, do you hear me?
01:04:26: I think you can get a fourfecta in Cuba, but it's a cigar.
01:04:31: Let go of him! Sit down!
01:04:35: Sit down! Now!
01:04:38: Both of you!
01:04:40: Since the ladies gave me a statement
01:04:43: that you had nothing to do with the abduction...
01:04:47: I have no reason to hold you. I'm running for sheriff next year.
01:04:51: I can't run a campaign of mostly arresting you two!
01:04:54: I wouldn't advice it.
01:04:57: If I promise to get you to San Malina in time for the wedding
01:05:02: guarantee you will never come within 100 miles of this town.
01:05:08: No, 200. Make it 300.
01:05:10: Since this is the first time in 74 years that I have been here,
01:05:14: - the odds of me coming... - Don't finish that sentence!
01:05:18: All right, let's go.
01:05:21: The wedding is at five o'clock. How are we going to get there in time?
01:05:26: Leave that to me.
01:05:27: I wish you had subways around here. I never get lost in subways.
01:05:33: I'll wait for you.
01:05:36: They made up?
01:05:38: The boys will spend a month in jail for using firearms on a public vehicle.
01:05:42: They always get a month. It's the fifth time they have done this!
01:05:45: It's a '"fivefecta'".
01:05:49: There is an airport about five miles from here.
01:05:52: You can't land in San Malina, but in Rockport. It's a 20 minute cab drive.
01:05:56: Rockport is a name I could've remembered.
01:05:59: The flight will take 40 minutes. This car will drop you off at the airport.
01:06:03: A police car! Finally a ride I can feel safe in.
01:06:06: I hope you won't be offended, but I hope I never see you again.
01:06:12: - Get out of here. - If you'd like an endorsement...
01:06:15: No.
01:06:18: If those guys commit a triple murder, or rob a bank...
01:06:24: ...just let them go.
01:06:30: If some travel agent booked this trip, we could have sued them for a fortune.
01:06:36: Everything happens for a reason. All this isn't for nothing.
01:06:41: I have a feeling there's a divine pay off at the end.
01:06:44: You want to buy my half? I'll sell it cheap.
01:06:47: Here we are. We're gonna actually make it.
01:06:51: Oscar?
01:06:54: - Is that you? It is you! - Who's that?
01:07:00: I'm Felice Adams, Blanche's sister.
01:07:03: Felice? I didn't recognise you. You haven't changed in 30 years!
01:07:09: Thank you. I guess we're both going to the wedding, aren't we?
01:07:14: Are you here with your husband, Larry?
01:07:16: - Barry. He passed away four years ago. - I'm sorry to hear that.
01:07:21: - You had two daughters? - Now two granddaughters.
01:07:26: Isn't that something.
01:07:29: This is my friend, Felix Ungar.
01:07:32: - Felice, sister of my ex-wife. - Felix Ungar?
01:07:38: - Blanche talked about you a lot. - I've changed since then.
01:07:43: Haven't we all.
01:07:46: They are boarding. I'll see you on the plane.
01:07:54: - We have to talk. - About what?
01:07:58: On the plane.
01:08:08: - Have a good flight. - Thank you, you too.
01:08:13: And you.
01:08:16: - If you want to talk - talk. - Wait till the seat belt sign is off.
01:08:21: You can't talk with your seat belt on? Is that a new federal law?
01:08:24: When it's on, it can get bumpy.
01:08:27: I don't want anything interrupting what I'm going to say.
01:08:44: OK, it's safe, we're bumpless. What have you got to say?
01:08:47: - That's the woman. - What woman?
01:08:50: The '"somewhere, some place in this world,the right woman for me'" - woman.
01:08:54: - Felice? - Even the name is right.
01:08:58: Felice - Felix. The first three letters are identical. It's like an omen.
01:09:05: I'm telling you, this is the one.
01:09:08: - Who's going to tell her you're the one? - Me.
01:09:12: With the '"somewhere, some place in this world'" speech?
01:09:16: Give me some credit. I've done this 10 or 12 times already.
01:09:20: Help me figure out a reason to get up and sit next to her.
01:09:26: How about... I don't know. How about your seat is broken?
01:09:31: - No, I'm a bad liar. She'll know I'm lying. - How about if I break your seat?
01:09:36: - Forget it. Wish me luck. - Are you going to tell me what the plan is?
01:09:41: Just watch me. Move your legs.
01:09:50: - Good day for flying. - Yes, perfect weather.
01:09:57: Exactly.
01:10:05: Some plan.
01:10:16: If you, you chicken-hearted, gutless wimp
01:10:20: if you don't go back and sit next to that woman, you and I are through!
01:10:26: Do you hear?
01:11:05: Had a nice chat, old buddy, pal, dear close friend of mine?
01:11:10: - Relax. I just set it all up for you. - What did you say to her?
01:11:16: I told her you were writing an article for '"New York Sunday Times'"
01:11:20: about widowed women and womanless men
01:11:23: and that you would like to ask her a few questions.
01:11:27: - She said, '"Absolutely! '" - Why did you tell her that for?
01:11:30: It's better than you going in to the john and banging on the walls again.
01:11:34: Are you going, or do I have to get a food trolley and wheel you over there?
01:11:39: - I'm going. I'm going. - Good.
01:11:47: - May I? - Please do.
01:11:55: First I must explain about this article that I'm writing.
01:11:59: What article?
01:12:01: The one Oscar told you I was writing for '"The New York Sunday Times'".
01:12:05: He never told me that.
01:12:07: He never...
01:12:10: - What was he saying to you? - That you wanted to meet me
01:12:16: and couldn't think of a reason to sit down next to me.
01:12:19: I said, '"Tell him to come over, I'd like to meet him as well.'"
01:12:31: 'Ladies and gentlemen, we should be arriving
01:12:34: 'at Rockport's '"Barbra Streisand Airport'" in 20 minutes.'
01:12:46: How long has your late husband been deceased?
01:12:49: Almost four years. He was playing tennis and had a heart attack.
01:12:55: - My last wife went very quickly. - We seem to have a lot in common.
01:12:59: I just realised, we practically have the same name.
01:13:04: Felix - Felice, same first three letters.
01:13:07: - Did that occur to you? - No, but now that you mention it.
01:13:10: And both of you don't wear glasses. That's uncanny.
01:13:19: Here we are.
01:13:21: I swear to you, this is it. What a place!
01:13:33: Thank God you're here!
01:13:36: - What a mess. - What is it, what's wrong?
01:13:39: I can't say it. Blanche, you tell him.
01:13:42: - It's Brucey. He's gone! - Gone where?
01:13:46: He disappeared! He wasn't in his room. We even called the police.
01:13:53: Calm down, don't cry. It's bad luck to cry before a wedding.
01:13:56: No, it's only bad luck if the groom isn't here before the wedding.
01:13:59: - Didn't he leave a message?- Nothing, not a clue!
01:14:03: He'll show up. My kid never ducked anything.
01:14:07: How is Hannah? Can I see my daughter?
01:14:10: She's upstairs getting dressed. I haven't told her.
01:14:13: What do you mean you haven't told her?
01:14:15: What are you waiting for, her fifth anniversary of being alone?
01:14:19: - Don't yell at me! - I'm yelling at the situation!
01:14:23: - You haven't changed in 30 years! - I don't believe this woman!
01:14:27: I haven't seen her for 50 years
01:14:30: and she's still trying to finish the last fight that we had!
01:14:33: Everybody, please stop behaving like children!
01:14:38: We tried to put this wedding together in three days
01:14:43: while you take a casual joyride in getting here!
01:14:46: Casual?
01:14:49: It's always the woman's fault, right?
01:14:51: Stop pointing your finger at me and yelling!
01:14:55: You got two other husbands here to do that with.
01:14:58: Come on, Felix. I want to talk to you about something.
01:15:05: How about that, Frances? I would love to divorce her again!
01:15:09: - What do you think happened to Brucey? - I don't know.
01:15:12: - What did you call me out here for? - I thought you might have an idea.
01:15:15: What do we do?
01:15:18: We wait and see. Worst comes to worst, we postpone the wedding.
01:15:22: I'm not going to have my daughter humiliated because of your ditzy son!
01:15:27: Watch what you say about my son. Maybe Hannah is the wacky one.
01:15:34: Hannah, wacky? My Hannah, wacky?
01:15:37: Stop repeating that, it sounds like a Hawaiian hotel.
01:15:41: I don't know which one caused this!
01:15:43: If he breaks her heart that boy will have to deal with me!
01:15:48: Are you threatening to get physical with my son?
01:15:51: If that's what it takes - yes!
01:15:55: Get your nose off my nose before I sneeze your brains into a tiny Kleenex!
01:16:00: - That's it! - They found him!
01:16:06: They found him!
01:16:08: - A police helicopter spotted him. - Where?
01:16:12: Do you need assistance?
01:16:24: He's not going anywhere.
01:16:27: Everybody, please back off!
01:16:30: He's not on the roof because he's anxious to speak to everyone.
01:16:33: - I'll go alone. - How will we know what's going on?
01:16:36: I'll tell him to talk loud.
01:16:46: Hello, Brucey!
01:16:49: - Beautiful day, isn't it? - Hiya, Pop.
01:16:55: I hope you don't think I'm meddling, but are you coming to the wedding?
01:17:01: I was thinking about it. I was thinking I'd be making a big mistake.
01:17:06: - Why is that? - I don't trust marriage.
01:17:10: If you look at everyone here. Look at my own family.
01:17:13: Mom was married three times.
01:17:16: You were married one time and then never again for 30 years.
01:17:19: Hers were too many, yours not enough.
01:17:21: What is wrong with it, that frightens everyone so much?
01:17:25: I don't know. It's like baseball. Either you can play or you can't play.
01:17:31: Your mother could play, I couldn't.
01:17:33: Trouble with your mother is she kept getting traded all the time.
01:17:38: - That's not the answer I was looking for. - Why did you wait to ask the question?
01:17:43: Because it's what I thought I wanted. Now I know that it's not what I want.
01:17:49: - Are you sure? - I'm sure.
01:17:55: - Then get out of it. Don't do it. - You mean it?
01:17:59: Let me go and talk to the others. I'll figure something out to say.
01:18:04: Pop...
01:18:06: Dad...
01:18:09: The thing is...
01:18:14: - I really love her. - Sure you love her, now.
01:18:17: You'll have two years of excitement and 45 years of hell. Trust me.
01:18:23: I will always love her. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
01:18:28: Would you be willing to gamble your life on that?
01:18:32: I know I haven't been there enough for you.
01:18:35: But this is the best advice I'll give you.
01:18:37: Not getting married is the right thing to do!
01:18:40: Maybe it's right for you, it's wrong for me.
01:18:44: You tell everybody I'm getting dressed.
01:18:47: Thank God you said that.
01:18:49: I didn't know how long I could keep on talking like an asshole.
01:18:56: Thanks, Pop.
01:19:04: See you downstairs.
01:19:09: - Go away, we're not ready yet! - Not even for your old man?
01:19:14: Dad?
01:19:15: Maria, let him in.
01:19:21: I come back soon. But you smudge her dress, I kill you.
01:19:34: Dear God, I've just seen heaven and it's in living colour.
01:19:38: Do you like it?
01:19:41: - Can I hug you? - Yes, you better!
01:19:44: I would have postponed if you didn't make it.
01:19:48: Have you seen Bruce? Isn't he terrific?
01:19:51: Was it a terrible trip?
01:19:53: If you'd asked me that four hours ago, I would've said '"the pits'".
01:19:57: But something happened on the plane and everything's coming up roses.
01:20:03: You've met someone.
01:20:04: - I'll tell you later. - No, say.
01:20:07: I don't want to keep you. I can't keep you any longer, can I?
01:20:12: I hope you don't mind me giving the bride away dressed like this.
01:20:16: You look great to me.
01:20:22: Mr Ungar, this just came for you.
01:20:27: On second thought, maybe I'll spiff it up a little.
01:20:31: He's very sweet.
01:20:35: ...with the power vested in me by the state of California,
01:20:39: I now pronounce you man and wife.
01:20:42: You may kiss the bride.
01:21:01: Isn't this terrific!
01:21:14: Brucey baby! What a putzie!
01:21:21: Don't cry.
01:21:24: Good luck. Take care of my boy. He needs a lot of cereal in the morning.
01:21:30: Congratulations, Blanche.
01:21:42: - Are you still allergic to my perfume? - No, that's gone.
01:21:46: It triggered an old memory in my sinuses.
01:22:00: Excuse me.
01:22:20: Isn't she incredible?
01:22:24: Yeah, she's very beautiful.
01:22:29: Listen, Brucey...
01:22:31: I want you to take these for you and Hannah.
01:22:35: No, Pop, I know you're strapped for cash.The gesture is enough.
01:22:38: What I have here is not cash.Please, take it.
01:22:49: Baseball cards! You knew I always used to save these.
01:22:52: Not those. I've had these since before you were born. These are first editions.
01:22:57: Mickey Mantle in his rookie year.
01:23:01: George Herman Ruth, sometimes known as Babe Ruth.
01:23:05: Today that's worth $22,000.
01:23:10: I can't take these.
01:23:13: Hold them until your kids are 18. It might buy him a week or two in college.
01:23:20: You're the greatest.
01:23:27: Well, I'm getting tired. Come on, walk me in.
01:23:32: No chance of you moving out here?
01:23:35: To where, Santa Yocinta, Malinta, Caliente, Maliguena?
01:23:39: I'm not learning a new language just to find my way home at night.
01:23:48: It feels good to be in clean pyjamas again.
01:23:52: My God, was that a wedding?
01:23:54: I am so glad that the kids loved the silver tray.
01:23:59: You never told me what you gave them. Not that it's any of my business.
01:24:05: Tomorrow night I'll be sleeping in my own bed.
01:24:08: It's not great but I love it because it never talks during the night.
01:24:12: I'm sorry, Oz. It's just, you know...
01:24:17: It may be another 17 years before we see each other again.
01:24:20: That's a date.
01:24:24: - Let me tell you... - Felix, please!
01:24:27: We got to be on that airport bus at 9:00 am. I got to get some sleep.
01:24:33: I forgot to tell you, no bus. Leece has hired a limo to take us to the airport.
01:24:38: Who's Leece?
01:24:40: - Felice. I call her Leece and she likes it. - Does she call you Lix?
01:24:43: And I'm not going back to New York.
01:24:45: I'm going to spend some time up in San Fran.
01:24:50: Lix and Leece in San Fran? What the hell is going on?
01:24:53: I may spend a few days or the rest of my life. We really hit it off tonight.
01:24:59: - I've heard you say that before. - This may be the last time.
01:25:03: I hope so. I really do. Boy, am I exhausted.
01:25:11: GN.
01:25:13: - '"GN'"? - Good night.
01:25:21: Gate 46. Where is that?
01:25:24: It's down at that end. We're at the other end.
01:25:31: I'll change your ticket, give you and Oscar a chance to say goodbye.
01:25:36: Yeah, OK.
01:25:39: Bye, Oscar. Have a wonderful flight.
01:25:42: You too, Leece.
01:25:45: - I'll be right there. - She's very nice.
01:25:50: She looks like she's got a lot of dogs.
01:25:52: You're gonna be walking a lot of dogs.
01:25:55: You think I'm making a mistake?
01:25:57: I don't give that kind of advice twice on a weekend.
01:26:01: This could be my last chance. I really want to give it a good try.
01:26:09: - I wish you the best. - You do?
01:26:13: - My best doesn't always mean much. - It does to me.
01:26:26: OK, Felix. That's enough.
01:26:29: Stop it, she's going to think we have something going.
01:27:05: Who gets the bagel with the tofu cream cheese?
01:27:10: - That's mine. - Millie.
01:27:13: - Here we go. - Thank you, darling.
01:27:17: And I have here a soy bean facsimile corned beef sandwich.
01:27:22: That's me.
01:27:24: - Are you in this game? - Can a duck swim? For 20 cents, I'm in.
01:27:29: - You didn't look at your cards. - At these prices I'll take the plunge.
01:27:37: This cheesecake is hard as a rock!
01:27:40: That's the wax model they keep in the window.
01:27:43: If you like the way it looks,I'll order it.
01:27:45: Tell us about the wedding.What did they serve?
01:27:48: - Veal Alphonso. - How did they make that?
01:27:51: A guy name of Alphonso comes in early...
01:27:56: I'll get it.Must be the pizza I ordered.
01:28:01: For tonight?
01:28:02: From before the wedding.I forgot to cancel it.
01:28:05: Coming!
01:28:11: Hi, Oz. I was in the neighbourhood so I thought I'd drop in.
01:28:17: What a surprise. Is Felice with you?
01:28:22: No, it didn't work out.
01:28:26: That woman left her clothes lying all over the floor.
01:28:30: She was always running out of towels,and pins in the bed!
01:28:35: - I could not hack that. Am I disturbing? - No, come on in.
01:28:48: Girls, this is the father of the bride,my friend, Felix Ungar.
01:28:53: These are my poker playing buddies.
01:28:56: - I hope I'm not interrupting the game. - No, not at all.
01:29:00: - It's a distinct pleasure to meet you. - I can't see him. Is he cute?
01:29:06: Would you excuse us for a minute. I have to speak to Felix.
01:29:12: Felix, can I have a word with you?
01:29:15: Can you believe it, we'll never play.
01:29:19: What's with the suitcases?
01:29:24: I gave up my apartment in New York.
01:29:27: - To live in Sarasota? - They have hospitals in Sarasota, too.
01:29:31: Are you planning to move in with me again?
01:29:34: It didn't work out the last time.
01:29:39: This is just until I find my own place.
01:29:42: You could actually save a lot of money by splitting expenses.
01:29:46: Nothing has changed. I'm still a pig, you're still a human vacuum cleaner.
01:29:51: If you don't think it will work,just say no.
01:29:54: No.
01:30:00: Then I'll go.
01:30:12: I didn't say '"go'", I said '"no'".
01:30:18: All right. We'll give it a try for a few weeks.
01:30:21: But the minute you start matching up my socks, we call it quits.
01:30:25: It's a deal. Now you go on,go back to your game.
01:30:29: I'm just going to hang up a few things.
01:30:31: He looks so sweet.
01:30:35: If he's looking,I've got a spare bedroom I don't use.
01:30:41: Ladies, it's possible that in five weeksyou'll all be moving out of Sarasota.
01:30:47: Whose bet is it?
01:30:51: Don't mind me, folks.
01:30:55: - Is this yours? - Thank you.
01:30:58: That sandwich is looking a little limp.I can retoast that for you in a second.
01:31:02: Really?I wouldn't mind.
01:31:06: No problem at all.
01:31:10: This is the biggest goddamn dja vu anybody has ever had!
01:31:16: Can we play cards here,for crying out loud!
01:31:20:Odwied www.NAPiSY.info
